this morning, before i left for work, i tuned in to the usual television station for the local news. what i found was dubyah subjecting the masses with his oration.

instantly, depression hit me like a giant sandbag. not just because of the nation's tragedy, but because the reality of my one year enslavement to this company had hit me just as hard. the memory of commuting to work last year on this day is all too vivid...

i used to apologize to him.

this was when i still had about a tablespoon's amount of respect for Boss. respect your elders ! my parents had pounded this mantra into my head as a child.

i apologized esepcially because he has a way of twisting words and phrases to somehow make you feel guilty for what you have or have not done. the tone of his voice alone can jolt pretty much anyone into submission. for example:

today during lunch, captain vented, "i have never talked to him about this project. whatsoever. now he's making me semi-responsible for what is not being done."

i asked him, "well, have you said this to him? that you have not discussed any sort of responsibilities for this project?"

he shook his head scowling.

"why not??"

"because i know he's going to twist words and make me responsible for it anyway. i'm screwed, no matter what."

silence.

this is true. i had realized that this is how he operates, when i first started to work here, but for an unknown reason, this fact had not sunken in.

i try to be as sincere as possible, and when i feel that i've done wrong, my instinct is to correct the situation. so my apology was usually followed by one of the following:

"i will try harder next time"

"i will keep that in mind for next time"

"i will never let this happen again"

i wanted to make it clear that the quality of my work was my priority and that i was doing my best to achieve the highest. i was also working under the assumption that this man listened to reason.

well, that plan blew chunks. forget the apology. he doesn't deserve it. i'm not even going to mention future intentions.

reflecting on the past year, i've noticed how this company has changed me, and i'm bitter about this. Boss has seemingly changed my personality, despite my intention to remain unfaltered in strength of character, etc. etc.

in one of the initial forced lunches i had with him, he blabbered on and on about how i need to speak up, and change something or else i wouldn't make it. he even yelled at me, "you're too japanese !!", as though it was one of my worst faults.

i need to do some quick intensive thinking, because i've reached the point where i can't sit back and wait for that better-paying or ideal job to make itself available. i may just have to take a pay cut to leave. but has the damage been done already? is it worth it? i don't know. i must think...